Barbara and Jeb had been married for 15 years and had two very smart kids, Kevin aged 11 and Katy aged 7. They had always had differences in their married life but in the last two years, things had gone from bad to worse. Now, it was almost like they had to make great efforts to behave civilly towards each other. Every day ended the same way – with both screaming at each other, Barbara in the bedroom and Jeb in the spare guest room.
Every day, the moment their parents would start fighting, Kevin would lock himself in his room and spend the time on his computer. Else, he would just go out with friends and come home only for dinner when he was sure things would have calmed down. Katy would just huddle in a corner and cry herself to sleep.
Barbara and Jeb finally decided to get a divorce. However both wanted custody of the children, and this started a long legal wrangle for both. Kevin and Katy stayed with Barbara during this time, which after her work as a legal assistant and then attending meetings with her lawyer hardly had enough time for her children.
Slowly, their grades started slipping. The children’s teachers noted how the once happy, carefree kids could not even bring a smile to their faces. One day, Katy’s English teacher read Katy’s write-up about her family. Katy had written about how she was afraid that both her parents and her brother were going to leave her and that there would be no one left to love her. Her teacher decided that it was time the school counselor had a frank talk with Katy’s parents.
When Barbara and Jeb read what Katy had written, they were initially stunned and then felt extremely guilty. Guilty at having put Katy through so much mental agony and guilty for not having realized what she was going through themselves. They decided that they had to approach their divorce in a more mature, responsible manner and put their children’s interest above all. They both sat down and spoke to their children calmly explaining how it was not their fault they were getting a divorce and that no matter what they would always love them.
Barbara did get custody of the children but Jeb managed to get an apartment close by so that he could visit his children and his children could visit him when they felt like. Two years later, Barbara and Jeb can actually take a small family vacation together without touching upon the past. And Kevin and Katy are turning out to be happy, self-confident children.
However, not every divorce story has such a happy ending. And not all kids are as fortunate as Kevin and Katy with parents who realized their mistakes and took it upon themselves to make it right.
You too may be going through one of the most traumatic experiences of your life, contemplating divorce from your spouse. You know your children need you and your support but you are so overwhelmed, you do not know where to start. We hope that by reading our book, you will be able to identify some ideas, simple strategies or tips that will make it easier for you to help yourself and your children during divorce.
Understanding What Children Go Through During Divorce
No doubt, going through a divorce is one of the most emotionally draining experiences you can ever go through in life. You have decided to end a relationship with a person who you thought you would be spending your entire life with, who you thought cared and loved you more than anyone else in the world. Suddenly one day you find that assurance crumbling, the person who you thought you know best of all feels almost like a stranger and you are overwhelmed by the turbulent emotions you are going through. However, despite all the pain and turmoil that you are going through, you are going to have to lift yourself and attempt to help someone else who is probably more fearful and scared than you are – your children.
For a child, parents make up their entire world. Of course, there are friends and other family members but they know that they can depend on the love and support of their mother and father at any time. Now as the reality of divorce starts to sink in, the child realizes that his or her parents will not be living together anymore. Not only does the child have to deal with issues of divided loyalties, there is this petrifying fear of the unknown. What is going to happen to them?
This is a period of great confusion for the child. It is quite obvious that the father and mother do not get along and the child wonders if they will still love him or her the same way as before. If they show affection towards the father or if they show their love for their mother, will the other parent not like them too? Whose fault is it, the mother’s or the father’s? Did they do something that got their parents mad at each other? Could they have behaved better and avoided this trouble?
Understanding Some Basic Guidelines
While you may be going through a tough situation facing your divorce, your child is going through an even tougher one. Divorce leaves no one unscathed but by following some guidelines you can try and provide some assurance and comfort to your children. This might make the adjustment process a little bit easier for you and your children. The following suggestions are mere guidelines; use them in any way that will best serve your purpose. After all, you know your children best.
• It is very important that you allow some time for your kids to discuss what is happening. They have to be encouraged to discuss how they are feeling and why they are feeling so with you frankly. Only then can you completely understand and address their concerns.
• It is very important that when you are discussing your divorce with your kids, it is with the intention of trying to understand how it is impacting them and how best you can help them with what they are going through. You have to learn to keep your feelings aside during the discussion. It is quite possible that children of divorced parents feel a keen sense of loss that their family is no longer together and may even end up blaming both of you for what they see as a betrayal. You have to learn to be patient, honest but at the same time sensitive while answering some of the questions your children may raise.
• Once the divorce process is over does not mean you should no longer talk about it with your children. Many kids feel the pain of losing a parent for a long time while others have more and more questions as they grow up. Never shut the door on talking about the divorce. This is the only way they are going to grow up feeling more secure about their situation.
• On the other hand, if you feel that you are more likely to get upset or too angry while discussing these issues with your children, you could request someone who you are comfortable with, like a friend or relative to speak to them and assure them. There are many support programs for children of divorced families as also faith-based organizations that offer great help to such kids.
• You have to understand that it is very natural for children also to go through conflicting emotions even if it is you who is going through the divorce. They are never very sure of the reasons behind the break-up and may even start thinking it is their fault and that they somehow caused it. This is particularly true if parents have been fighting over their children. This causes them to not just feel angry and scared but also leaves them very anxious. They feel that their parents may try to punish them by abandoning them completely.
• Just like adults, children also need some time to recover from the effect a divorce may have had on them. Even if they do not show outwardly signs and appear like normal, happy kids, they may hide their emotions deep inside. You can sense that there is something bothering the child if you notice a child suddenly acting out or look depressed. Their grades may start to fall and they generally start to lose interest in other activities. Younger children may also tend to get aggressive while playing. Keep an eye for telltale symptoms even if it has been a while since your divorce.
• The simplest thing for you to say to a child may be, “Do not worry; everything is going to be all right. Now just put on a happy face.” However, this is only going to worsen the situation as you are denying that your children may be having genuine feelings about your divorce and secondly, if you force them to smile no matter how they are feeling, they may stop sharing their true emotions with you.
Understanding What Not To Do
Many parents headed for divorce feel that divorce is between them and their spouses. They know it is going to hurt their children somewhat but feel that other than that it cannot really affect them that much. You may be surprised by how much your behavior; particularly your mistakes can affect your children. Here are some common mistakes that divorced parents often commit and which must be avoided:
1. Do not criticize your spouse in front of the children.
Whatever your feelings towards your ex, children can be amazingly loyal to people they love. When you criticize the other parent knowing fully well how much they love him or her, you appear to criticize your children too.
2. Do not go into gory details of your divorce with your children.
It is never the best of situation when children have to be dragged into legal matters. So whatever happens keep their involvement in the details of the divorce proceeding to the minimum. It does not help to discuss or bemoan court issues, financial worries or child support before the child. Not being able to help, the child will be left confused and helpless.
3. Never ever take advantage of your children.
If there is some information you need from your spouse, be frank and ask him or her for it. It is never the most mature or responsible thing to do to ask your child to spy on your spouse for information you needed.
4. Try not to argue and shout in front of your children.
If you keep up with the constant bickering and shouting even when you are headed for a divorce, you are making life very uncomfortable for your children. Act more mature and avoid conflicts when your children are around.
5. Just because you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed out does not mean that you should get your children to do your work or make decisions on your behalf. Do not ask your 11-year-old son to make decisions for his 7-year-old sister because you are too tired to do it. Manage your time and finish up things so that your child stays a child.
6. The easiest solution when your child is asking you questions about your divorce is to just shut him up. However, by ignoring the emotional distress your child is going through, not only are you making him or her more miserable but also making them more anxious about what divorce is going to mean for them.
7. Punishing your spouse by withholding visitation also means punishing the child who probably looks forward to spending some time with her other parent whom she loves equally well. Think over whether your desire for revenge outweighs her sense of well-being.
8. You will never be able to buy your child’s love; you may gain a few moments of happy smiles. Spending time with your children and trying to help them out through this difficult period is the best gift you can give them.
9. Children have to be left to be children. Do all that is in your power to assure your children that they are secure and well-loved. Let them enjoy their childhood without having to worry about losing the love of their parents. Take time to spend holidays and vacations with them.
II. How Children Respond
Many divorcing parents at first are simply unaware that their divorce could be having such an impact on their children. They feel that since this is a problem between the adults, the children should be kept out of any discussions. They know that there may be some sadness and disappointment on part of the children but fail to gauge the extent to which they can be affected. In reality, the situation is the exact opposite. It is harder to imagine a more difficult time for children than to watch the two people they love the most not only bring each other down like this but for one of them to possibly move out of their lives. It is best to consider what impact your divorce is having on your children from the beginning so that you can at least understand their suffering and try to help them.
Why Children are affected by Divorce
It is true that some parents see divorce as just their issue. ‘He is insensitive, ‘She is too controlling’, and the list goes on. However, it is very important for parents to understand that what their divorce has long term consequences for all those who know them and care for them like other family members, friends and most of all, their children.
Here are some of the reasons why a child is so deeply affected by the thought of their parents divorcing each other:
• They are afraid that their lives are going to change dramatically. Children are aware that because of the divorce, one of their parents is no longer going to live with them. They have lost the one thing they felt most secure about and now they are not sure what else is going to change. They do not know if they will be staying in the same house, even the same city and if they will lose touch with the rest of their family members or friends.
• When the parents are going through a divorce, children know that they are going to lose one of their parents that things will never be the same and that one parent will not be able to live with them as before. This sets them wondering if their other parent also will abandon them. They are left wondering what they are to do if they are all alone with no one left to care for them or love them.
• Children are not only attached to their parents but through them can be very attached to their grandparents, other siblings, cousins, neighbors and so on. The house they have been born and brought up in mean a lot to them and so do the various relationships. They are afraid that when their parents divorce, they will have to give some or all of these up.
Other than these fears, parents have to understand that while they may have had misunderstandings and conflicts even before the divorce, things tend to get worse just before or after a divorce. At times, some parents try to turn their children against the other parent. All this makes the situation at home nearly impossible for a small child to deal with. Whatever they may be going through, parents have to be sensitive to what their children may be feeling at such times. Here are some of the common signs that most children severely affected through display and which parents should watch out for.
They will try desperately to bring their parents together again. Many children feel that their parents are getting divorced because they have some how not behaved properly. They feel that if they improve their behavior, their parents will somehow reconcile. They will try cajoling or acting out to force their parents to give up the idea of divorce.
Children of divorcing parents will be unusually aggressive or defiant. Many parents tend to ignore these signs as just a normal sign of growing up but they have to watch out if their children are being uncharacteristically aggressive, if they are being more angry and disobedient than they usually are.
Many children in a divorced family who are not able to cope with the pressures of their parents separating just withdraw into themselves. Such behavior is hard to miss though many parents treat it as natural. If not dealt with at the outset, this behavior can lead to serious depression and thoughts of suicide in a child's mind.
How to Help Them Cope
On the other hand, studies have also shown that if you offer proper support to your children, they will not only be able to handle their emotions but grow up as strong individuals. However, for that you have to understand the range of emotions you child may go through and how you can help them deal effectively with each one of them. This kind of emotional coping skills will better prepare your child for the challenges that the future may hold.
1. How to help them cope with anger…
It may be very difficult to understand and deal with the kind of rage that children sometimes go through when they find their whole world crumbling around them. They have lost all their sense of normalcy and it is but natural that they blame you or your spouse or both for this. Instead of getting upset or trying to justify your decisions to them, help them cope with their anger in other ways.
• Make sure you take the time to listen to them. By speaking to you, they can find one outlet for all their pent up emotions.
• Do not be shocked or express any opinion on what they are feeling. Do not pass judgment. You are here to help your children. Reacting angrily to their anger will only make the matter worse.
• Do not try to offer solutions that may never happen – it will only make the child lose further confidence in his or her parents.
2. How to help them cope with the stress of divorce …
Even with all the signs out there, children can be extremely shocked when they hear that their worst fears are coming true and they may take some time to actually acknowledge the fact. They do not want to face the reality that both their parents are no longer going to be living with them. Helping them face this kind of shock can be a challenge. Try and do the following –
• Show extreme patience. Children will take some time to come terms with the reality and when they eventually do, it will be even more traumatic. Be there for them when they need you.
• No matter how many times you show your love for them, do so again and again. That is the one thing that is bound to bring solace in their lives and help to get their confidence back.
• Give them time to ease into their new routines. It is not easy for adults to adjust to new situations –so you can imagine how difficult it will be for children to do so especially under such conditions.
3. Helping them to cope with anxiety…
Children of divorced parents have already seen one of their major anxieties turn into reality and this causes them to worry about what other fear is going to turn true. They are afraid they will lose the love of their parents, friends and family and have no way of knowing if that would or would not happen. It is up to you to help the child when he or she is facing so many unknowns and the numerous changes that a divorce naturally brings about. Even the smallest of situations may cause them great anxiety. To help them with this –
• Do not be impatient while listening to their worries. You may have already heard them many times and tried to address them. However, the worst thing you could do is to brush off their fears. Listen patiently and offer them the same comfort as you have done before.
• You have to be honest about their concerns. Do not offer false hopes or false reassurances as that can only make matters worse. If you think that some of their fears, like one of their parents or siblings moving out is a possibility, acknowledge that fact and help your child to come to terms with it.
• From your end, try to provide as much normalcy, stability and consistency as possible. When a very concerned child sees you back in a routine and also establishes familiarity with the new people and places, he or she will start experiencing some sense of security.
• Wherever possible, give the child a choice. If you are looking for a new school or a new home, asking for their opinion will give them a sense of identity and help them give a sense of control over their own lives.
4. Helping them to cope with depression …
Being sad and frustrated about parents divorcing is absolutely normal in a child. However at times, this can turn into a great sense of hopelessness that can drive a child into depression. Their feelings of helplessness make them even more frustrated and all this anger and frustration just keeps building inside of the child. Such children show signs of withdrawals from their parents, other family members and friends. At times, these feelings burst forth and parents feel that the child is acting out while this is the only way the child can bring your attention to what is bothering him or her. If you see signs of depression in your child try some of the following tips:
• Ask them to speak about how angry or frustrated they feel with you or anyone else they are comfortable with. This way even if they spill into some kind of aggressive behavior you know they will be safe.
• Children can be scared at the intensity of their own emotions and it helps if you reassure them that this is natural and that as time goes by these feelings will reduce in their intensity. In fact, keep pointing out their improvements and when they sound or look better. This will help build their self-confidence.
• When they sense that they are moving on, some children feel guilty about their other parent or siblings from whom they may be separated. Assure them that it is perfectly normal to feel better and keep moving on.
• Get your children involved in physical activities so that they expend their nervous energy outdoors.
• When you feel that you have done all that you could from your end and your child still needs help, trying seeking professional help. It has been seen that therapy can help children deal with depression and other emotional problems that divorce can give rise to.
Here is a quick list of warning signs that you should be aware about:
• Your normally happy, smiling child becomes moody and withdrawn.
• There is a serious lack of confidence and your child keeps talking about being too stupid or not important.
• You children may be excessively sad and not speak to even close friends or family members.
• They may start showing irrational fears even avoiding familiar place, people or they may go through extreme mood swings, crying intensely and having major separation anxiety when a family member or parent leaves home.
• Your child shows unusually aggressive behavior getting into needless fights with schoolmates or with you.
• A formerly neat and well groomed child may suddenly lose all interest in his or her appearance.
• You children may have problems going to sleep and even if they do, they may have recurring nightmares. Some even relapse into bedwetting or refuse to go out of their homes even to school.
• Their work at school starts suffering – their grades fall and too many homework assignments are left unfinished.
• Some children may even start abusing drugs or alcohol.
While you now know what it takes to help a child cope with the emotional distress that he or she is going through there are some important steps that parents themselves must take.
1. Both parents have to be involved in various stages of helping their child. Though the children may be living with just one parent, whenever they get a chance, both parents have to do their best to reassure the children that they have their best interests at heart. Children have to be convinced of the following – that their parents will always be their parents and that they will always love them, that they will insist on rules and discipline them when needed, protect and support them throughout their lives.
2. Parents have to learn to respect each other. Children do best when parents are civil to one another. Though you may find it very difficult to face your spouse and speak to him or her when there is such anger inside you, for the sake of your children you must. You have to show your children how you can for their sake put your feelings aside and behave respectfully towards the other parent.
3. Work on a routine. Both parents need to work out a routine so that some sense of normalcy will return to the child’s life. Ensure that both of you take time out to spend time with your children especially at the beginning.
While you and your partner may feel completely justified in heading for the divorce, your children are quite often the most to suffer. However justified your reasons for divorce, you have to make sure that you and ex-spouse take the time and put in the efforts to help your children through this traumatic time.
III. Seeking Help for Your Children
While we have now understood the kind of emotional stress children go through and how best parents can help them adjust to the new situation, there are also practical matters to be attended to which can have a large bearing on your children’s lives. We will look at how you can handle these situations and where you can seek help when needed.
How to Adjust to New Living Situations
One of the most difficult but practical aspects of divorce is to agree on the new living arrangements. Since divorce brings about such a great change in the family, the new living arrangements will require careful consideration, especially the kind of effect it will have on children.
Parents can consider the following living arrangements –
• Children can be in the custody of just one parent who will have sole legal responsibility of the child. Though your child may initially resent this, it may make life much easier in the long run.
• Children can also be held in joint custody. If parents can have a fairly amicable divorce settlement, then they can jointly take decisions on their child’s future. It will also help the child to settle down more easily seeing their parents together from time to time. The child may however live mainly with one parent. It is also possible to have arrangements such that the child will spend some time living with one parent and some time with the other.
There is no answer as to which arrangement is the best as that depends very much on the relationship you have with your ex-spouse and the relationship you both have with your children. Some kids prefer to stay at just one home and visit the other parent from time to time. Others love the thought of spending equal time with both parents.
When you are making these arrangements, give careful thought to what is best for you and your children rather than stand on false pride. You have to ensure that your child’s need comes first no matter what especially when you are trying to figure out how to deal with birthdays, holidays and vacation time.
As children grow, their needs change and both parents may need to make changes in their schedules accordingly. Children benefit from the support and love of both their parents but when they are busy in other activities, they may want to change some of the time-sharing arrangements that had been earlier worked out. Do not try to resist this but be flexible. See how best you can work out things so that it works out to everyone’s convenience.
Also remember to listen to any opinions or options that your child may suggest. At times, they may suggest spending an entire summer or even a whole year with the other parent, as that will help them with their other activities. Do not try to take any decision your child makes too personally. And do not try to make him or her feel guilty for having these thoughts. Your child has to know that you are always there to listen to him no matter how hurtful his decision may be and that his or her health and happiness are far more important to you. Try to ensure that your child gets to spend as much time as he or she can with both parents.
How to Get Help from Other Sources
You and your children are going to need all the help you can get. Some parents as well as children manage to cope with the situation well. You may be able to speak and communicate with your children and together you may be able to navigate your way through the troubled times. However, there are many parents who are so overwhelmed themselves that try as they might they are unable to help their children cope with the situation. If you feel that your child needs help and that you are unable to give it to him or her, look for help from other people.
• Family Members can be great pillars of support. You may have a close aunt or cousins, perhaps the children’s grandparents. All of them will provide a more familiar and comfortable environment for your children and may also help the kids share their feelings with them.
• Family friends. Your or your spouse may have had family friends, perhaps with kids themselves who are close to your children. If you find it difficult getting through to your kid, then maybe one of them can spend some time speaking and helping your child.
• Schoolteachers. It is best to keep the children’s teachers informed of a difficult situation at home. Though you may feel that it is a private matter and need not be publicized, it is in your child’s best interests if his or her teacher is made aware of it so that some valuable support and assistance can be given to the child when needed. This will also help the school understand any unusually aggressive behavior on part of your child and may even prevent any ugly incidents from taking place.
• School counselors. Though school counselors have to attend to a large number of students, they can certainly provide you with some valuable tips and advice on how to help your children.
• Professionals. Trained and well-qualified professional can be of great help in assisting you and your child to work out their confused set of emotions in a more comfortable and safe environment. Gradually the child can be helped to return to normalcy.
How to Parent Under Stress
You may find parenting very hard to do especially if you have young kids. It is very easy to fall back on your kids for their support and love when it has to be the other way around. Worse still you may use your children to get back at your spouse. At all times, remember that however tough the going is on you, it is even tougher on your children. As adults and as parents, it is your responsibility to make sure that you act maturely and give your children all the support that they need.
• Try and ensure that there is discipline in the house. Even though your child may be going through a tough time emotionally, they still need to do their homework and stick to their bedtime. While your child may show resentment at some point giving your divorce as an excuse, they will soon appreciate that sense of security that a consistent routine brings to the household. This of course means that you have to be disciplined yourself, and even if you feel yourself softening at times, remind yourself that that can only cause more damage.
• Though it may seem impossible to begin with, try and maintain as much normalcy in the house as possible. Have fixed mealtimes, do not allow too much TV or games and get your children to follow your rules. Though you may feel sorry for your kids, if you show reluctance in enforcing discipline it can only have an adverse effect on your kids and will make it very difficult for you to establish parental authority later.
• Show plenty of love and affection by speaking with them and spending time with them. Do not try to bribe them with gifts or allow them to throw tantrums just because they are going through an emotionally tough time.
• If you cannot enforce discipline by yourself, there is no harm in seeking your former spouse’s help in doing so. For the sake of your children, you both have to work together and provide support to the whole family.
Help Yourself to Help Your Children
While it is important to get help for your children, you also have to remember that you can do so only if you are feeling settled and stable yourself. If you are yourself going through emotional struggles of your own, seek help so that you can get mentally strong and then help your children.
• Learn to deal with your own feelings about your divorce. Whether you or your spouse initiated your divorce, you will have extremely conflicting emotions about it. You may be feeling angry, betrayed, scared and confused all at the same time. If you are unable to sort out your feelings on your own, speak to someone you are comfortable with about this. This will also decrease the possibility that you may end up unloading your emotions on your child.
• Learn to be patient with yourself and your child. Though the legal process of divorce may be over in a few months time, it takes much longer for the scars of divorce to heal and before you can start experiencing some sense of normalcy again. Do not be disappointed if you or your child still get depressed occasionally or are overcome by feelings of hurt or anger.
Recent studies have found that if parents can work in tandem to provide support, love and a sense of security, even kids from divorced families can grow up to be emotionally healthy and fairly confident individuals and in fact learn to adjust to life better than kids of many intact families.
Pay attention to the Dos and Don’ts
Do the following:
• Show your love for your children through actions and words, not just through gifts.
• Keep telling them that your divorce was not their fault.
• Assure your children that they will always have someone to care for them and to support them at all times.
• Let them know that loving both parents is not going to make the other angry or unhappy.
• Let them also know that both their parents will love them as much as before and that the divorce is not going to change anything.
• Your ex-spouse is also going to play a major role in your child’s life. Keep him or her informed of any special event in school such as dramas or sporting activities in which your child may be participating.
• Take time to listen to what your children are saying and do so without passing judgment or trying to change how they feel, even though you may find it hurtful.
• Do not force your child into saying which the better home is. He or she should be comfortable in both homes.
• Try to give your children room in both the houses so that they feel part of that house.
• Make sure you show love and you show discipline towards your child.
Do not do the following:
• Do not criticize or judge your former spouse. Whatever your feelings or opinions about your ex-spouse and even if you have ended your relationship with him or her, that person is still a parent to you children and they will be loyal to that person.
• Do not give or cry over details of divorce before your child. Your child is having a difficult time understanding the situation in his life and you will only make matters worse by putting him or her through something that is only scarier like legal matters or child support.
• Do not use your children as go betweens for you and your spouse. Choose some better way of communicating.
• Even if your former spouse says something very mean and hurtful about you before your child, act maturely and do not retaliate. Just tell the child that you are sorry that he or she had to hear such things.
• You should learn to communicate freely and frankly with your children but do not allow them to become your close confidant. They are still children and pushing them into something they do not understand will only damage them
• Just because one parent buys expensive gifts does not mean you should especially when you cannot afford them. You cannot bribe a child to respect you. Only by showing respect and love can you earn your children’s love and respect.
IV. 101 Ways to Help Children During Divorce
We have dealt at length with the many emotional issues that you and your children have to deal with during the traumatic process of divorce. We have also indicated various strategies for getting help for yourself and your child. However, to provide you with an easy reference, we have compiled a comprehensive list of 101 ways in which you can help your children during divorce.
1. The first thing you need to do to be able to help yourself and your children in the best possible manner is to understand the laws and process of divorce in the place you live in.
2. You also need to understand the various implications divorce can have for you and your children so that you are mentally prepared to some extent for what the future may hold.
3. Spend some time in understanding what the immediate concerns and worries for your children may be.
4. Take help in dealing with urgent practical matters regarding your children, arising out of a divorce.
5. Both your and your spouse should sit down and speak to your children once the decision to divorce has been made.
6. Do not prevent your children from asking questions however tough they may be. You may not be able to answer them satisfactorily and for some, you may have no answer. However, your children should feel confident about being able to speak to you about how and what they are feeling.
7. Try and anticipate the kind of concerns your child may have. Most commonly children are struck by feelings of guilt and anxiety over the future.
8. Both you and your spouse should attempt to allay the fear and concerns that your children may be having.
9. Avoid having lengthy custody battles. Give careful consideration to what is best for your child and disregard your own feelings towards your spouse.
10. Prepare your child for the forthcoming changes in a phased and gentle manner.
11. You should expect a certain adjustment period for both you and your child during and after the divorce process.
12. The time taken to heal after a bitter divorce proceeding varies. Do not be disappointed if your child shows flashes of anger and frustration at you for the divorce even after some time has gone by.
13. Help your child cope. While you may not be able provide solutions for all the pain and stress your child is going through, you can certainly look at ways to help him or her cope with them.
14. More importantly, you should understand if you are coping with the situation at hand in the best possible manner. Else seek help from others.
15. A good support system will help you not only through your divorce but even later as you try to bring back some sense of normalcy for you and your kids. This can be just your family members or your friends or a professional therapist.
16. If you feel your child is not able to speak to you or that you are not being able to help him or her, try to get someone in this support system to help your child.
17. Parenting under stress is never easy. You will be faced with new challenges everyday. Find ways in which you can de-stress so that you can deal with these challenges.
18. If you are under stress, your child will sense it too. While you cannot avoid stress, learn of ways and techniques of managing the stress in your life.
19. While your first reaction after divorce maybe to refuse to want to have anything to do with your former spouse, for the sake of your children, you have to learn to be able to communicate effectively with him or her.
20. When both of you communicate with each other to discuss your child’s future, avoid getting into the past. What matters now is the future and particularly that of the child.
21. If you are conversing with your ex-spouse in front of your child, keep your emotions under check. Seeing you both fight again and again will only reverse whatever progress your child has made.
22. Learn not to retaliate even when you are told mean or hurtful things before your child.
23. Your child should not be used to carry messages back and forth between you and your spouse.
24. Your child should certainly not be used to bring back stories about your former spouse.
25. If you feel overwhelmed at times and feel the need to speak to someone, pick up the phone and speak to a friend or a family member. Do not unburden yourself on your child
26. Do not share the messy details of your divorce with your child like the lengthy court battles or the fights over child support.
27. Do not make your child conscious of what he or she has to say before each parent. This will hurt his self-confidence.
28. Learn to trust your child and the fact that he or she will appreciate the time you take to listen to him.
29. While your relationship with your spouse has ended, the child’s relationship with his or her parent never will. Try to respect this relationship.
30. You may have very negative feelings about your spouse but your child may still be very loyal to him or her. Do not criticize your ex-spouse before your child as it is almost like criticizing your own child.
31. You may not have had the easiest of relationships with your spouse but the divorce has ended that particular relationship. It is time now for the sake of your children to build a new kind of relationship with your ex-spouse.
32. Look for merits in the options and suggestions your spouse makes. Do not let your anger or hurt come in the way of deciding what is best for your children.
33. Ensure that your child has a happy, healthy relationship with both parents. Keep your ex-spouse informed of your child’s progress and his activities.
34. Inform the other parent of special occasions in your child’s life like a school play he is acting in or a competition he has participated in. Try and get him or her as involved as possible in your child’s life.
35. If your child enjoys visiting the other parent and it helps him lead a normal, happy life, do not let your feelings get in the way.
36. Your child should have the security of knowing that he can contact and speak to both his parents whenever he wants to.
37. Many parents tend to punish their spouses for non-payment of child support by denying them visitation rights. This does not help your children in any way and in fact makes them feel they are being used to get money.
38. Try and make visits to the other parent’s house as smooth as possible. Even if you hear negative things being said about you, keep your emotions under control and let them pass.
39. One of the most challenging times after a divorce is planning for birthdays and special occasions. It is best to come up with a mutually acceptable plan with your spouse.
40. If possible spending some quality time together as a family for a short period during holidays and vacation will be wonderful for your children. Do not dismiss this out of hand.
41. Before divorce, your child was just another happy, carefree youngster. Now he is going through such a range of emotions that it is overwhelming at times. Your child is going through some tough times and even if you are too, as a parent you have to recognize that and deal with it.
42. Even with the best of relations, every child is not always able to communicate what he or she is going through. Learn to look for telltale signs of trouble.
43. Some children may try to bring their parents back by being on their absolute best behavior. Assure them that the divorce was not their fault and that the decision is final.
44. Try as much as you can to minimize the kind of changes in your children’s life. If it is possible for you to continue living in the same house by paying rent, do so though you may find it very distressing initially. However, if the child can stay in the same neighborhood and go to the same school with the same friends, it may bring some semblance of normalcy to the house.
45. Re-establish routines in the house, for homework, mealtimes and bedtimes.
46. Some children may try taking advantage of your guilty feelings by forcing you to let them stay up late or miss homework assignments. Remember that discipline is very important in your child having a happy and healthy future.
47. If your family had certain traditions or rituals, especially around holidays or the New Year, try and maintain that even in your new household.
48. Just because you are angry with your spouse, does not mean that certain practices or habits set up by him or her were bad. Understand what is best for your child and continue those practices.
49. Take help from your friends and family or even professionals to come up with a parenting plan. Understand what the future challenges may be so that you are better prepared.
50. Your plan has to involve your spouse too. Keep in touch with him or her so that you can work on your children’s future together.
51. The kind of relationship you had with your child before the divorce is now completely transformed. You may never have spent much time with him or her before. Now is the time to start building that relationship.
52. On the other hand, even if you were always close, divorce can leave invisible scars on a child’s mind. You may need to be extra sensitive while handling this new relationship.
53. Just because you are divorced does not mean that your child and you should stop having fun. Think of what things you used to love to do together and make time to do them again.
54. As your children grow, they may start spending more and more time away from you and perhaps spend more time with the other parent. Remember you want to develop independent, self-confident individuals. Let your feelings not come in the way of their development.
55. It is extremely important that you tell your children you love them again and again. And that you show this through your actions as well. Which means spending time with and talking to them; not buying expensive gifts after staying away all day.
56. Both parents should consistently communicate their love for their children and assure them how they will always continue to do so.
57. Your child should have the freedom to come and speak to you about his or her feelings, however hurtful they may be to you. Ignore your feelings for the moment and deal with helping your child cope with her emotions.
58. This process of communication is a life-long one and even years after the divorce, your children may come up to you with some questions on it. Answer them honestly and to the best of your abilities.
59. Discipline is very important in a child’s life. If you feel sorry for your child and allow him to get his way, you are only going to cause him more damage.
60. Ensure that your children understand fully well that sticking to routines and following the rules of the household is an absolute must.
61. While your child may be perfectly behaved at home, he or she may be having trouble at school. Take the time to visit the school and understand how he or she is doing.
62. Speak to the teachers who interact with your kids and make them aware of the situation at home. They will then keep their eyes open for any warning signs that your children may be having trouble at school.
63. One sure way of monitoring your child’s activities is by monitoring his or her performance in school.
64. You may also speak with friends of your children so that you aware of how they are doing.
65. After your divorce, while it is entirely natural that your self-confidence is completely shot, you may not know that even your children experience extreme low self-esteem. They need help in building it up.
66. If your child has been coping well with the situation for some time, offer words of praise and encouragement and slowly build up his self-confidence.
67. If you feel that you are not responding quickly enough and not getting back to normal, teach yourself to be patient. A relationship of a lifetime has just been brought down and you need to give yourself some time before you overcome all your negative feelings.
68. Similarly, you have to be patient with your children. It is natural for you to lose patience if after months of working on their recovery; they still harbor feelings of anger and disappointment towards you. Remember if is tough for you, it is tougher still for them.
69. When you are feeling particularly overwhelmed with your job and the legal process of divorce, you may ignore what your children are going through. Take at least a few minutes every day to speak to them.
70. At the very beginning of your divorce, you may be feeling very hurt and resentful towards your ex-spouse. Do not let it all out on your children; it will only leave them feeling more confused than ever.
71. Never, ever, even by mistake blame your children for the divorce. Your children are but innocent bystanders in this process and they are not responsible to any extent for the problems in your marriage.
72. Your children may have heard you and your spouse arguing over them and may be led to believe that they were responsible for the break-up. It is up to you and your spouse to do all you can to assure them that it is not true.
73. There may be days when you feel you just want to be left alone and do not feel like talking to anyone. However your child will only read it as anger towards him or her and will feel that the reason you are not speaking is because the divorce was his fault.
74. When your child is feeling really miserable and missing his other parent or sibling, you may be attempted to give in and make false promises to make him feel better. When your child realizes that it was but a false promise, his faith in you will be completely shattered.
75. Do not try to compete with your former spouse by promising to take your children to places you cannot or offering them gifts you cannot afford.
76. After divorce, you may have a great sense of loneliness and you may try to make new friends, even build new relationships. Remember, tread wisely as you have your children to think about.
77. Your child may already be feeling helpless about not being able to help you in your times of distress. If you start discussing your financial or personal worries with him, not only is he not going to be able to provide you with any kind of practical help but also you will just end up disturbing his mental state even more.
78. If you are worried about child support and keep talking about it with your children, they are going to grow very anxious and scared of what the future holds for them.
79. If you set a good example on dealing with your emotions after the divorce, your children will seek comfort and inspiration from it.
80. No matter how much you are provoked, learn to treat your ex-spouse with respect and civility.
81. Even after the divorce, your children may harbor fond hopes of you getting back with your ex-spouse. Deal with these kinds of unrealistic expectations firmly but gently.
82. Your child may make demands of you from time to time hoping that in the current emotional state you are, you may give in. Do not give into any unreasonable demands your child may make.
83. Try to always speak positively about your spouse before your children. After all he or she is still a parent and you want your children respecting both parents.
84. Be careful that you do not compare your children with any negative aspect of your ex-spouse.
85. You may find it very difficult to accept the love and loyalty that your children show towards the other parent especially in the beginning but learn to do so.
86. A safe and secure future for your children necessitates that you and your ex-spouse show respect for each other, especially in front of your children.
87. Your spouse may already have had kids when you got married to him or her and your children may have formed a very close bond with them. Irrespective of where you stand with your spouse, your children should be encouraged to continue these relationships.
88. Part of maintaining a sense of normalcy in the family is to maintain whatever contacts or relationships the children had before your divorce. As long as the relationship is healthy and is helping your child heal, you should encourage it.
89. Your spouse may have had family members who still want to be involved in your child’s life. Like grandparents or uncles and aunts. Encourage their involvement in your children’s lives.
90. It is also possible that your ex-spouse gets remarried and has kids. If your children wish to, you should encourage their bond with their new brothers and sisters as well.
91. If your child would like to spend holidays or vacation time with the other parent and his or her extended family, set your feelings aside and if you know it will bring your child great joy, allow him to do so.
92. Similarly, if there are old friends or acquaintance of your children, invite them home or take your children to meet them some time.
93. Unfortunately there may come a time when your ex-spouse stops becoming involved in your child’s life. See if you can communicate with your spouse to resolve the situation.
94. Even after trying really hard, at times, you may not be able to get your ex-spouse to get involved in your children’s lives. Your children may take it particularly hard and wonder what is wrong with them that their parent does not care for them any more. See how best you can help them cope with this pain.
95. A divorce does not mean the end of relationships for you. However, it is true that you have to think about your children as well. Think of suitable ways in which you can bring this topic up and talk to your children about it.
96. Any new relationship you are going to have may bring up old feelings of anxiety, fear and betrayal in your children. You have to show great understanding before proceeding further.
97. Many times, despite your best attempts, your child will not communicate well with you continuing to show anger and resentment. At such times, another friend or family member who is close to your child can try speaking to him or her.
98. School counselors or mental health professionals can be a great source of support and advice and you should not hesitate to ask for help for your child.
99. However down and out you may be feeling, you should continue to think positively about your future and encourage your children to do the same.
100. Your children may at times feel guilty for being happy and moving on in their lives. Assure them that it is absolutely normal and they have nothing to feel guilty about.
101. Teach your children that life is about dealing with problems and moving forward. If you provide them with enough support, they will grow up to be happy, healthy adults despite the trauma of divorce.
V. Building A Family
After a divorce, the single most challenging task is to build a family. Your relationship with your spouse has ended but you now have to redefine a new relationship with him or her for the sake of your children. Whatever your feelings and opinions may be, you have to find ways of working and communicating with your former spouse so that you can build a happy future for your children.
After the divorce, the challenge before you is two fold. You have to make the adjustment as a single person and then in addition, you also have to make adjustments as a single parent. At the same time, you have to understand that you are not strictly a single parent as the other parent may also want to stay involved in the children’s lives. You therefore have to work out some arrangement with your ex-spouse so that you can have a healthy parenting relationship after divorce.
How Healthy Co-Parenting Helps Children
It is normally believed that children from broken families tend to have emotional and mental issues. On the contrary, studies have shown that children whose divorced parents have an amicable relationship were likely to have less negative effects and in fact learn ways of coping with problems in their own lives, after seeing parents handle their problems in a mature, calm way.
You and your former spouse can make clear through your actions and words that your children are far more important to you than settling scores because of the divorce. Your children thus feel secure and happy in the knowledge that you will always love them and put their interests before anything else.
There are however some pitfalls in this relationship. Your children may start harboring fond hopes of you two getting back together which you must gently but firmly squash. On the other hand, some children may behave negatively towards another parent, refusing to believe that the parent loves him or cares about him. It helps if you and your former spouse sit down and have a frank discussion with your children, in which you make it clear that you are not going to get back with your ex-spouse but that for the sake of the children, you will continue to maintain a friendly and respectful relationship.
Tips for Successful Co-Parenting
You may be surprised that many of the tips below apply to successful parenting as well as co-parenting.
• Always behave civilly and respectfully towards the other parent. Do not openly criticize any opinion or decision taken, before the child.
• If any conflicts need to be resolved, do so privately and not before the children.
• Before you discuss any issue with the child, discuss it amongst yourselves and come to some sort of understanding.
• Both of you should assure your children that their needs will always come first and that you will be there to listen and attend to their problems anytime they are having trouble.
By dealing with your divorce successfully and helping your children during it, you and your former spouse can ensure that your children emerge from the divorce as capable individuals.