Social Security after Divorce
There are some social security benefits in being divorced. You are, as you know, entitled to social security benefits both before and after divorce based on your own earnings record. If, however, you have been married for ten years or more then you are also entitled to social security benefits based on the earnings of your spouse even after divorce.
You can only do this if you do not remarry or up till you get remarried. This ten year issue is important though, not just for social security.
If you have been married for a period of about nine years before the marriage breaks down then it might be a good idea not to get divorced immediately. You could file for separation for the period of time it will take for you to complete those ten years together.
It is a good idea to consult and accountant or, better, an attorney about this and see what benefits there are in being married for this ten year period.
As already mentioned these benefits are void if you remarry. You will be entitled to benefits from your new partner’s earnings but the same rules will apply. That means you will have to be married for ten years to get the same benefits again.
How to Overcome Insecurities After Divorce
A very important bit of a woman’s road to recovery after a messy divorce is how to overcome the insecurities she is burdened with. A divorce is something which saps a person’s self-esteem, takes away all the self –confidence which a person has and replaces it with a lot of debilitating insecurities.
Divorcees start to question every aspect of themselves and the lives they have led till that point – nothing is safe and secure any more. After the way their marriage - which they thought would be perfect when they started out – ended, people cannot count on the sure things in life any longer.
However, in order to make sure that the rest of your life is happy, you have to break out of this shell you have created around yourself, to protect yourself from any more hurt. You have to venture out into the world and begin to date again. The following information should help you to deal with your insecurities and get over them.
How to deal with doubt and suspicion
Divorce is something which will leave the most painful mark on a woman’s life. It is the most difficult thing a woman can go through in her life. It is an event which destroys one’s belief in oneself and also upsets every feature of one’s life.
During the divorce proceedings and after the divorce is finalized, nothing in one’s life remains the same anymore. The disturbance caused due to a divorce often leads to major change in a person’s financial condition, family situation and support in society, to just name a few of the issues.
During the years one is married, most aspects of life become a sort of team effort, from basic grocery shopping to other stuff. After the divorce such everyday little things such as going to the supermarket to buy grocery has a huge impact on a person’s sense of security.
The things which used to be shared between two people become one person’s entire responsibility suddenly. Such unfamiliar things can totally bring about a major sense of uncertainty into people’s lives where they suddenly have to confront so many unfamiliar issues on their own.
Divorce is also accompanied with a great sense of loss, because you’ve lost one person who meant the world to you for so many years. The end of every close relationship, even if it were a troubled one, will certainly entitle a feeling of loss for some time.
A messy divorce can cause a person to feel as sad as if the spouse had passed away. Irrespective of the way it happens, a loss is a loss. Even when a couple are not getting along at all, they decide to stay together in order to prevent themselves from feeling the sense of loss which will cause so much pain to both.
This sense of loss and uncertainty makes women lose all trust in their own sense of judgment. Women frequently wonder if they can actually follow their judgments and act in their own best interests, after going through a divorce. This is even more prominent when women start dating again.
Since a lot of divorces are triggered by husbands who cheated and betrayed them in other ways, women find it very difficult to open up to someone else and trust other men again.
However, if women keep carrying on such depressing suspicions and doubts, they will not be able to have another happy relationship.
Confront your doubts and suspicions in order to give your new relationship a fair chance
If feelings of suspicion are not controlled, it will be extremely unhealthy. Every one has some moments of uncertainty, but being afraid of betrayal every moment of your life is not going to augur well for your new relationship.
If you are unceasingly suspicious, you might misconstrue an innocent event and take it in a very negative way. For instance, if you tend to be insecure and suspicious, if the person you’re dating does not return your call immediately, you will instantly assume that he does not care about you at all or that he is dating someone else.
If you misunderstand innocent things and assume the worst possible case scenario, then it will not only make you unnecessarily unhappy, but will also make you even more prone to suspicion as you go along, This way, you will never be able to have a decent, happy relationship ever again. Negativity will only lead to more negativity if you proceed this way.
Since there are many accidents, innocent coincidences and misunderstandings which happen in life, harboring suspicions against your loved ones will only result in unhappiness for all. It is very hard to deal with such suspicious people, as they will look for ulterior motives behind the simplest things.
Talk openly about the insecurities you are facing
The best way you can let your partner know about the negative feelings you are dealing with is to tell him openly.
After going through a painful divorce, people try to hide their insecurities and suspicions from their new partners, fearing that it might hurt their relationship.
However, it is this hiding of one’s true feelings from the other person, which gives rise to the problems in a relationship. Your hidden emotions will show through at one time or the other through your behavior and through sudden mood swings. You could act adversely, such as flirting with other people just to make your partner feel as jealous and insecure as you feel at all times.
Talking to your partner about your emotions is the best way you can ensure that your new relationship has a fair chance of being a happy one. When your partner knows what you have been through in your marriage, he will understand why you feel like this in your new relationship.
He will be able to help you to deal with their difficult emotions. Talking about your problems with him, will teach you that you have someone to lean on who will support you, and understand who you are.
Adjusting After Divorce
After divorce many people feel completely shattered. They feel insecure about themselves and believe that they are not good enough to be loved or love some one else. When a divorce involves the child choosing one parent over another, it becomes all the more difficult.
Going through the entire process of taking the child custody is very hectic. More than the legal proceedings it becomes very difficult for the parents to see the child go through the painful process. It is agreed that divorce is the most difficult thing that can happen to a person, but this should not stop the person from living life again.
One should move on and take a vow to live life meaningfully again.
After a divorce most of the people find it difficult to move on. It becomes all the more difficult if your spouse leaves you. The role that you play in the divorce plays an important part in deciding how much emotional pressure you have. If you are the person who is leaving your spouse then at least you have a sense of fulfillment that you are getting what you want.
As you are mentally prepared for it you have a better control over the situation. It comes more as a shock for the person who is being left. It becomes very difficult for that person to deal with the bolt from the blue.
The person who is left is general powerless to control the situation and more often than not falls victim to depression. In such situation both the person should look at their past marriage as a learning experience. If you are leaving your partner then you should assess what went wrong. Were you not satisfied in your relationship? Was there lack of mutual love?
Did you need more time and attention? Once you know what went wrong you can find a match that meets these requirements. Leaving your spouse because you think things could be better is not a wise decision. If you feel something is missing without knowing what then you will never be satisfied in your new relation as well.
It is prudent to accept that happiness is as elusive as a shadow, no matter how much you run after it, you will never be able to catch it. But if you turn your attention to other things you will realize that the shadow will move along with you, where ever you go.
If your spouse leaves you, then it is obvious that you will be feeling a mixture of emotion. You will be sad, angry, frustrated, hurt all at the same time. In such a situation many a times you will feel like getting back at your spouse.
It becomes difficult to control such feelings, but then you must realize that if it were your true love he would be with you. If he is not with you means he never was your true love. Think about the brighter sight is it not better to know that your marriage was not working other than sticking around with a failed marriage.
At this time you are very vulnerable, it is best to keep yourself occupied. Think of the things that make you happy. Think of all the things that you always wanted to do but never actually got to doing it. If you wanted to learn tap dance, then go ahead and do it. Instead of brooding over your divorce, dance your way through it!
There are many problems that come with a divorce. The worst affected are the children, they feel pulled in all directions. All of a sudden they are at a crossroad where they have to choose between one parents. It becomes very difficult for a young tender mind.
The laws involving child custody is a very long and tedious process, it leaves all the parties emotionally exhausted. It becomes all the more difficult during the holidays when the child has to choose between which parents he would like to stay. It is generally seen that the child feels very insecure at these times; he tends to become withdrawn and draws himself in to a shell.
In such times it is very important that the parents talk to their children. You should talk to your child and explain to him that you are always with him. Even if you are not meeting him regularly talk to him as regularly as you can, make him realize that things are normal. Doing this will not only comfort your child but will also strengthen the relationship between you and your child.
It takes a lot of time and effort to finalize a divorce statement. This becomes all the more difficult if you have been staying together for many years. In such a case the only property that needs to be divided is not just the cars and the houses.
You have to discuss who keeps the furniture, the pets all the personal belonging and a whole lot of other things. The decision as to who gets what depends on the initial asset that the individual parties had. It also depends on the length of the marriage and the lawyers’ argument. In case you are getting the house make sure that you sign the tender stating you will be in charge of all future maintenances of the house.
In case your spouse takes the home then make sure that he signs the same deed. You don’t want to get stuck paying the mortgage for a home occupied by your ex-spouse do you? In some cases the spouse can enjoy his partner’s health insurance for three years. This is true especially in the case when a child is involved in the divorce and he is dependent on the health insurance of any of his parents.
After divorce life does change drastically, you are drowned with the burden of the custody rights the property deal etc and not to mention the pain of losing someone who you truly loved, for so many years.
You feel that you want all the years of your life back that you spent with your spouse. You begin to regret all the things that you did for him, you regret all the sacrifices made in the name of love. But doing this will not help you in any way. You should learn from your failed marriage and move on.
Although the idea of dating may seem impossible to you, you should still start your love life again. This will not only help you to become normal but will also help your child adjust better. When your child will see you happy, he will realize that whatever happened happened for the best.
After divorce most of the people vow never to date again while some are in two minds. Generally you tend to feel that your marriage was supposed to be forever, but it failed, and it failed miserably.
You start to blame yourself for whatever went wrong, even if you are not at fault. You feel that if you start dating again you will be dumped again. Generally many people develop a commitment phobia and they feel that no one will ever love them again. They fear getting hurt. So they stop dating at all.
But here is a question that I want to ask you; do you stop living just because you know you will die one day? Do you? No you don’t! So why should you stop dating for the fear of a failure, which may not even, happen! If you shy away from dating in the earlier months after divorce you will never be able to come out of the protective shell that you will have developed by then.
Everyone has a right to get all the happiness in the world, you should not sell yourself too short and think that you are not worthy of being loved. This negativity should never enter your mind and you should never ever give this a thought.
There are second types of people who become quite restless to get in to a relationship after a divorce. They are the ones who fear being left alone. They fear that they will have a lonely old age with no one by their side. The problem with this type of people is that they generally enter in to a relationship even when they are not prepared for it. These people go on dates with random people and more often than not are left hurt.
So the question that pops up here is that, how is one to know what is the right time to start dating again? After a divorce we are emotionally vulnerable, it is a time when we crave all the love and attention in the world.
Divorce is no less than a trauma, and it is quite likely that we will end up not trusting our instincts any more. To help one to decide the proper thing to do in this tricky situation, David Steele has developed an assessment. David Steele has immense experience in the field of relationship. He is the founder of Relationship Coaching institute, and is the author of conscious dating.
This assessment is called the ‘relationship readiness test for singles’; this test has questions that rate you in ten different areas and your score helps you to decide whether you are ready for a relationship or not.
Many of you may not be conversant of the fact that there are many levels of dating. In fact I was ignorant of it until I recently hold of this amazing fact. There are three levels of dating, let us discuss all the levels in detail.
Short term recreational dating- this is not a very serious kind of dating. It just means that you gout and have fun. You are not supposed to develop any long-term commitment here. Just go out, hang around with the person and have a good time.
This is a period where you can practice your dating skills. It is important that before you start dating, your partner should have clear knowledge that nothing serious is going to turn out of it. It is very unfair on your part if you go on a short-term date with a person when your date is under the impression that something may happen.
This type of date is very helpful to boost the ego of those persons who have just gone through heartbreak. It actually prepares them to enter the dating arena once again.
Long-term committed dating- the idea of this dating is to find a suitable partner. You have to make sure to use all your dating skills in this level. You have to make sure that you are good at sorting the right person after screening the people who are not suited to your taste. Once you think that you have found your match, you have to be committed.
But, beware; don’t pop the question just yet! Wait and see for yourself if you are actually ready for marriage. Just be committed and give your relationship the required time. Wait and watch.
Mini-marriage- Yes mini marriage is the stage in which the couples get married even before giving their relationship the required time. They generally are too quick in coming at that decision and this generally leads to a failed marriage. Generally the people who fall trap to this type of dating are the people who are just out of a divorce. These people badly want to have all that they had just lost. They crave for a partner and hence thy end up getting committed too soon.
Dating is a very tricky issue; it becomes all the trickier if you are entering the dating arena after a divorce. Some people are dating even before the divorce; generally this is the cause of the divorce.
In certain cases people think that they can never start dating again after their divorce. When you are married to a person with whom you obviously want to spend the rest of your life with, you have spent the best part of your life with him, you have dreamt his dreams and made sure that they turned in to reality, after all this you feel that you will never be able to date anyone again. You feel appalled even at the idea of dating someone.
Although it is understandable that you may feel this way for dating, but the fact remains that it is not wrong in dating again after divorce. You are legally single and you have all the right to mingle. I understand that law can state that you are no longer a part of the relationship with your husband, but it becomes very difficult to accept it in reality.
It is like a part of you has been cut away from you. But there is one thing that I firmly believe in, memories are easier to hold on to people, so cherish all the good times that you had in the relationship and move on.
The problem is not dating, but the major problem after a divorce is to decide, when to start dating. The time after divorce is the best time for introspection, it is the time when you can ask yourself what went wrong.
You can figure out what was lacking in your relationship, you can find out what are the things that you want and never got the opportunity of getting. See, the idea here is not that you should take the entire blame on yourself, you should try to be practical, find out what was it that was lacking in your relationship and work towards it so that you have a better future relationship.
The thing that is most important in deciding whether you are ready to date or not, is the fact, that what the physical and the emotional state of mind that you are in.
This depends on the entire phase of your divorce. If you were deceived and abused, it will take a long time before the pain can go. You will never be able to forgive your spouse and more so, yourself for trusting that person ……but all this is not important, what is over is over so all you can do is to heal yourself. You should try, to prepare yourself emotionally and physically to live life with a new zest and vigor.
It is best not to enter in to a new relationship until you are completely over your past relationship. Having a closure helps. Discuss with your ex-spouse that you have completely forgiven and forgotten what happened. You can also take professional help in such cases. Counseling can help.
Sometimes you get a better perspective of life when you talk to nameless, faceless strangers, you can discuss your problems with some online chat friend, it may sound absurd, but sometimes you just need someone whom you can talk to without the fear of being judged. If you do not want external help, then just give yourself time. Time is the best medicine and the only medicine that heal all the wounds no matter how deep they are.
Do you know that forgiving a person is like setting a prisoner free? And realizing that the prisoner was you! Until you forgive a person, you keep thinking about it. You are always cribbing and in the process only hurting yourself. You should not wait for the person to come and ask forgiveness from you, he may not even be aware of how much he has hurt you. You should instead forgive him for the sake of your own sanity. Most importantly, forgive yourself.
You may have made mistakes, you might have not been perfect, but realize that no one is perfect in this world. No one is a saint and think about it, if you had
Been a saint you would never have married in the first place right?
If you date too fast after your divorce, then you will miss on this opportunity of healing, you will not get the time of introspection. It is important that you do not enter a relationship when you are not completely out of your past.
If you are too hasty in doing it, then you may ruin your present relationship because of the past. You don’t want that, do you? You are the best judge to decide how much time you require, but one thing is sure, you do need time. Give yourself a break. You can look at the brighter side; a failed relationship makes you better prepared for a future relationship. You did not lose anything out of a failed marriage. You emerged as a winner and that is what you will always be.
To begin dating after a divorce, there are certain things that need to be checked. You should first check if you still have feelings for your ex-spouse. Do you still care for him?
Do you still hope that you might get back together? Are you hoping that distance between you and your spouse will create love once again in your relationship? If you are still pinning for your ex, then you are not ready to date once again. Instead of building fancy ideas, what is important is that you have a frank discussion with your ex.
Discuss with him the possibility of you two getting back together. If your partner has left you, then first evaluate if it is possible, for you to change. If you have broken up with your partner because the fundamental nature of you two do not match, then let me warn you it is a very difficult thing to change ones nature.
You should not flow under the emotions and promise your ex that you would change for him. Doing that would be promising more than you can actually deliver. Promise to change things only that you can. It is the time that you have to weigh the pros against the cons you have to decide what you want.
For example, if you have broken up because your husband does not approve your job, then decide whether you will be able to be happy by leaving the job. Don’t take any hasty decision.
Although life can be understood by looking back, it can be lived only by looking forward. If you keep recalling the good times you had with your spouse, chances are that you will find that the break up was a waste.
You are likely to blame yourself for not compromising, may be even taking up all the blame. When you feel this way, think of the reasons, which prompted you to break up. Think of all the things that went wrong. Analyze whether these things were significant for you or not. If your ex is already in a relationship it is a great sign for you to move on. Accept it, your ex is with someone else and he is happy. Move on, find your own happiness, the entire world is waiting with open arms, but it won’t be waiting forever.
When you go out on your first date after divorce, go to a public place. This will ensure that both of you’ll are comfortable as the obstacle of personal security is conveniently removed. Do not be in a hurry to rush things. Take things slow; try and get to know the person you are dating. After a few dates you will realize that you will be extremely comfortable dating once again! You will gain the same poise and charm and confidence that you had prior to your divorce. Just a word of caution here, do not be in a hurry to introduce your ex to your family, this creates unnecessary pressure.
Dating tips for divorced women
Here are some great tips for women who are about to start dating after a divorce.
Once you are over with your marriage, you are all ready to start you new life again. But there are a few things that you must do in order to get over your past life completely.
Get a makeover! If you are still sporting the hairstyle that you had on your wedding day then it is time you tried something different. Get the picture of the celebrity that you admire and get a haircut similar to that. You can also get your hair colored. This will give you a new nice, look. No body is asking you to bring radical changes, don’t get your hair dyed purple for heavens sake!
Just get something that suits you and you are comfortable with. This makeover is a simple one you do not need a stylist to do that for you, you can go to a local salon and get a new look without burning your pocket.
If you are overweight, then it is a good idea to shed a few pounds. Losing weight will make you look slimmer and younger. Extra weight can act as a barrier. You might feel self-conscious in dating men, if you are overweight, and you may also feel awkward in making out with men if you are overweight.
If your budget permits, it is a good idea to join a gym, it will give you an edge as you can increase you social circle along with toning yourself. If you cannot afford a gym then there are a whole lot of things that you can do to lose weight.
You can take a 30 minutes brisk walk daily, to tone your legs, butt and thighs. You can join a library and get a CD that instructs how to workout to, lose weight. You can walk your kids to school and also play with them. Now that you are single, you can cook a low calorie and healthy meal.
Eating right is the best way to lose weight. Even if you are not inclined took for one, even then you can lay your hands on the frozen foods which are especially meant for dieters.
It is time that you went on a wardrobe-cleaning spree. Throw out all the ill-fitting clothes that make you look fat and not sexy. Go to a market and buy those clothes which fit you well.
You can complement your style by buying, scarves gloves and some accessories. It is prudent to buy two items of inexpensive clothing, rather than spending a lot of money on just one piece of clothing.
Many a times we forget to take care of our hands and feet. A nice soft and supple hand is the thing that turns on all the men. Get your nails filed and apply gloss on it.
For your toenails choose a bright cheerful color. Before going to bed, make sure to apply lots of cream on your hands and feet, this will ensure that they remain supple. Another way to take off that aging look is to apply a moisturizing and eye cream everyday. It really can do wonders; all you have to do is to give it a shot.
Now that you are set for dating, let us see where you can meet your Mr. Right. I am sure you will have lots of friends and relatives introducing you to single dads, widowed men and even confirmed bachelors.
You can also accompany your kids to their school functions. It is a very convenient way of showing the world that you are single again. Do not try to be too hard on yourself. You can also find the right person once you start going out on social events again.
You can join a sports club; you are sure to find tall, fit and handsome men all waiting for you. There is no end to the possibilities; you can find your match anywhere. Be it a drama club or even at a social gathering. All you have to do is to be open to the idea of going out again.
Here is word of caution, who ever you are going out with be sure to use protection and be safe. This is inevitable. Happy dating!
Dating after Divorce – Tips for Men
As a divorced man it is very normal to feel lonely or miss having a partner. Moreover, there is always this feeling that it has been ages since you went ton your last date with anyone expect your ex wife. But let not this feeling sway you.
Going on a “date” can make matters complicated as you do not know if that is what you are looking for, or if that is what you really want at this point in time. It might just be that you are feeling excessively vulnerable, and hence you feel that dating would solve the issue. But stop, and think objectively.
This does not go to say that you cannot meet women and have fun with them. You cannot sit and brood over your divorce either. You can go out with women, have sex with them, but think it out carefully if you really want to date then, or just give yourself some time so that you can take the right decision some time in the future.
Because when it comes to your emotions, you have to take it easy.
At times such as these it is very easy to try and look for some grounding elsewhere, but dating should be taken easy for the simple reason is that you may not have fully recovered from your divorce, and may not be ready for a new relationship.
Instead, what you can do to ease a little bit of the anxiety and loneliness that you are feeling is that you can make yourself feel good about the way you are. Do not blame yourself for anything that happened. If your ex-wife married you, it did after all do some good to you. And now when you are divorced, remember, that it is for the best.
Clarity of mind is important at all points of time. A divorcee can go crazy trying to figure out what were the reasons that lead to the divorce. The feeling of inadequacy, lack of self confidence, feeling that there indeed was no rational reason for the divorce and that it could easily have been avoided, etc, are very easy to crop up.
This can indeed be very disturbing and it is in the interest of your own sanity that you try and figure it out as soon as possible.
And while you’re at it, please be very honest to yourself. Cheating your own soul will not take you anywhere. Please know that for any activity there are a thousand possible alternatives to what you choose or see.
Any one of them can as easily be chosen. But the very fact that people choose to take ONE particular thread means that that was what was meant to happen. Nothing and I repeat NOTHING you do now will change that one, in a thousand, decision that was taken earlier. It is most important to make peace within yourself.
These concerns should be foremost on your list of priorities. And at this point of time even if you hit off well with someone, it might be only because of a shared pain or heartbreak.
Later, when you are over it, and in a better position to see things clearly, you may realize that this is not who you want to be with. If anything, this will be unfair to both parties.
What about the kids from your previous marriage?
Another thing topmost on your priority should be the kids, if any, from your previous marriage. With your divorce, one hopes, you and your ex wife will have settles what to do with the kids.
If not, then that needs to be decided upon. Try not to get into any useless bickering. This, if for nothing else, should be for the benefit of the kids and them alone.
Children find it difficult to cope up with such situations. They feel they live in an abnormal world, especially since they have friends whose parents are enjoying a good marriage. This time can be a great emotional overhaul for the children. Try and tackle them sensitively.
The first rule of thumb would be is to be absolutely open with them. Talk the entire situation out with them. Because, when children perceive any abnormally around them they tend to try and figure it out themselves owing to the inherent curiosity in their natures.
Now, you do not want your kids to put two plus two together, and come up with a false picture. And while giving them the picture yourself, try and play fair. It is no point talking to them against their mother.
In such stressful times, kids must be taken of with sensitivity. Seeing that their parents themselves are so stressed and not able to give them enough time to sort out their feelings, they try and lock their own emotions into a bottle. These pent up emotions can be very harmful, and can stunt the child’s emotional and mental growth.
So the key word here is: listen. Yes, that is what children want the most. They have various confusions and questions in their mind about the situation they are into. It is important for you to give them a patient hearing.
Try not to get unnecessarily irritable. Make them feel special. And spend time with them. They need to be assured now more than ever that they are still loved, and that nothing has changed, and that they can still have a normal living.
For various obvious reasons, you dating someone else without first making sure if your children are in the right frame of mind is not advisable. Like stated earlier, they most be your topmost priority. Even when you date someone, be open to them about it.
Assure them that this will not make any difference in the time you spend with them. Insecurity comes very easily to children, and it does not go away as soon. So be very careful.
Your First Relationship After Divorce
Now, coming to how you can better heal your own self, let us come to where you can find a partner for yourself.
By now you have settled the various loose ends that were created because of your divorce. However, being single all your life is not what you must restrict yourself to. You not only must find someone who makes you feel loved and special for the sake of your own development, but you must remember that you fully deserve it.
The first relationship after a divorce can be very exciting. This person is someone apart from your wife, another woman completely. And this can act as a breath of fresh air. Relationships just prior to one’s divorce play an important role in the healing process.
Go for it, but be very clear about what you want out of it, and what are the various implications or consequences this will lead to.
There are various things that can happen in course of finding the first relation after your unfortunate divorce. And in fact, this is the first feeling you must get rid of. Try not to think the whole affair was unfortunate.
Do not lower your self esteem in front of your own eyes. Upholding your own dignity is the first step in making others around you believe that you are right in control of the situation, and they need not pity you for your condition because you are perfectly capable of handling things for yourself.
Sexual Freedom in Context Of Dating After Divorce
Women and men, in some ways, cope with relationship after divorce in different ways. While there may be excessive sexual activity that heals in the healing process for some, the condition of celibacy and being with one’s own self might be beneficial to others. But eventually what you must seek is a steady relationship.
A steady relationship can go a long way in making you feel good about your own self. They whole emotional overhaul you had after your divorce about not being able to maintain a successful relationship can be over turned here. You can prove to your self yet again that you are perfectly capable of being in a responsible relationship.
The other side of such a situation is getting into a transitional relationship. Such an arrangement can also be a great healer for some. One must not feel miserable after having broken u. remember the fact that you can still enjoy life as much as you used to do before your divorce. Remember that you are not as dull and boring as your thought you were. You have truly learned to move on.
Now again you need to sort out a very importing thing within yourself. Do you feel sex and dating are inextricable linked? Or do you feel that they can be enjoyed independent of one another.
Here, in this situation, what you must ask yourself is that do you want to just have sex to boost your self confidence, or do you want to get into a more serious relationship by seeing somebody. For many people sex proves to be a major healing factor. Therefore, as long as you are not cheating on any body, it is okay.
There are psychological reasons behind wanting this sort of an arrangement. Your divorce has left you feeling like a piece of shit. You have lost all you confidence to pull your life together, or to be with someone who can truly love and respect you. Therefore, what we would call here “sexual freedom” could indeed help you get over it.
There is a certain feeling of liberation one can get from it. The whole idea of being tied down to a marriage that you have just broken free from can be embodied in the freedom for sexual experience that you are getting attracted towards. You may have grown more and more anxious over the past few days after your divorce. This may lead t dangerous things like harming yourself or harming the people around you.
This is nothing put pent up anxiety, which needs an outlet. And sexual freedom can provide you with that.
But try not to get into this just as a means of escape. It can be a dreadful experience to recall later. See this as a rejuvenating experience, aimed at solely helping you to have a good time. You after all need help in liberating all those bottled up emotions; and now is the time to just let them go free. You indeed deserve a time without any cares. But, know where to draw the line.
Once can go on and on about the implications of getting to such a relationship. The first question that pops up in the mind is that after your divorce, are you not looking for some kind of stability? In such a case how would this kind of an arrangement help? Will not the breaking off of this relationship cause an even greater heartbreak?
Second, what impression will it have on your children? We are assuming here that you are being very open to them about your maneuvers, as discussed before. They might perceive this as something very frivolous on the part of their father.
Remember you have been trying to construe yourself as a role model to them.
All this can be solved only by being sure of what YOU want. You must know very clearly that you are not cheating on anyone – the woman, your kids, and most importantly, yourself. You must come to a realization within yourself first that what you are looking for is just a healer, and not a long term relationship.
A long term relationship entails a lot of commitment, mentally, and you are not ready for it right now. So till you are ready to go for it, these would act like a breath of fresh air and sustain you for awhile.
10 Dating Rules after Divorce
1. Proceed with Caution: This does imply that a little risk-taking is out. What you should do is create a balance between meeting new guys, spending time with old, trustworthy friends and some time by yourself.
2. Your Greatest Assets are Girlfriends who are Single: Single women are familiar with this stage of life and know a lot about it. They understand what dating is like now.
So if you don’t have such girlfriends you are advised to go out and meet such people, they will be a source of emotional strength for you
3. The Process of Elimination – A Harsh Truth: Don’t fool yourself and cloud your judgment. If a guy doesn’t call you back it is more likely that he won’t because of some reason than because he can’t or he’s away.
4. Don’t Stalk, Even Inadvertently: Take it easy. Don’t overwhelm the guy with the kind of behavior you’ve been used to as part of a couple. This kind of thing might just scare him off so beware. You need to make sure he’s as great a guy as you think he is before making any such moves.
5. Don’t Over Share but Be True to Yourself: Confiding in a guy slowly is a good idea. You may be somebody who likes to create a sense of mystery or maybe you’re just a private person. But sharing information about you with a guy only after making sure he is worthy is a mark of self-respect.
6. Gut Feelings Work: By the time you come around to the second or third date you should have an idea about whether or not you’re interested. If you’re not really looking forward to the date you really can’t be into him.
7. The World is Your Petri-Dish: Rather than trying hard to find Mr. Right check out Mr. Right Now. Be open-minded about dating and you might find yourself in luck.
8. Rediscover your Type and Defy Stupid Checklists: You may have come up with your type of guy buy going through a checklist of qualities. Junk that stuff. Be open-minded and experiment. You should then know what really works for you and what really is terrible.
9. Try a 180 Degree Turn: A good way of carrying out the above step is to try someone completely different from what you’re your ex was like.
10. Find Your Inner Flirt: Go ahead and enjoy yourself. Enjoy this new-found freedom while it lasts. Flirting is really a state of mind and involves charming someone and being charmed your self. It never really needs to be serious and doesn’t focus on long-term goals but on instant gratification.
Dealing with a social life after divorce isn’t always easy. When dating you will have to deal with another person and how you do this will depend upon and have a bearing on your confidence level.
Dealing with the process of divorce itself is very difficult and you may find it hard to be with someone on the same emotional levels as before. You need to be sure that your emotional state and general well being will not be affected or hurt by any rejection before you take the plunge into the dating world.
You have probably wondered about what kind of person you would like to date. The question of ‘types’ may come up. You may even be tempted to look for someone who is completely different from your ex.
You might be advised to look for opposite character traits in men. While this idea may seem attractive it is probably not the best. Don’t forget that you were attracted to your ex-spouse for a variety of reasons.
Even though the marriage failed that doesn’t mean that those qualities were wrong or bad. So if you meet someone new you should appreciate them for who they are and not compare them to your ex. Your past shouldn’t affect this new relationship whether this new person shares any traits with your ex or not.
Give this new person a chance. They will be doing whatever they are doing unconscious of the fact that you see them as things that remind you of your ex. If you are really affected badly then perhaps you should wait before dating seriously again.
You shouldn’t be wary of re-entering the dating world after having spent time away from it, especially after divorce. It may not be the easiest thing to do but you should learn to trust yourself and have the confidence to do so. Make sure that you do before you make any forays though.
Always make sure you have your friends. They are an invaluable aid. You don’t want to damage yourself emotionally if you aren’t prepared for the world of dating.